Joseph Desire-Job

Hold the phone! This is it. Final blog post. I have a job (of sorts) and feel like I'd be stretching the definition of 'unemployment' even further if I continued to write this mother truka. A nice light at the tunnel has emerged in that I have successfully applied for an internal vacancy at Jorvik and now I have nearly full-time hours (but, you must understand, I am still crippingly poor). Not to fear though, these last 2-3 weeks have been as emotionally draining as any other, for all you schadenfreude-s out there. 

First off I had 3 interview rejections, spending hours upon hours travelling to locations that seem close on a map but are actual a bazillion miles away from anywhere that I knew existed. (I swear I've heard of Dinnington before, and I swear that its supposed to be really close to Doncaster. Nope. Lolllll). Bought most of Claudia's christmas presents from a charity shop. Most people think its because its vintage and cool and unique, but its primarily because I'm desperately short on the hold casharooney. I did pick up some neat things though, things that people died in or commited heinous crimes in.

Coca-cola offered me a job but I sure showed them.

My unemployed home life sort of died because I was running around having interviews, working and all that jazz. I've still managed to become massively fat over christmas, one young buck mistaking me for a sea-cow. This is despite my athletic prowess of running up the same hill day-in, day-out. I've probably eaten as much chocolate as 3 times my readership for this blog. Urghhhhh. Its been giving me funny dreams too - last night I dreamt I was on a tv show, but then there was a horrible accident. In the aftermath of this the emergency response team took my injured frame away. Upon waking I realised that I was in a kitchen and there were loads of sausages being cooked. It suddenly dawned upon me that they were going to cook and eat me so I legged it.

I've quite liked this blogging shizz and I'm gonna be starting a new one that will focus specifically on semi-biographical re-imaginings of the most miserable and entertaining parts of my life. Those of you who know what a tit-face I can be when confronted with life's minor problems will be salivating I am certain. No link yet but just keep your eyes peeled. 


Until then I'd like to say a big thank you to all my readers. A special thank you to K-ble guy and Bayj, without reading your blogs I would have no inspiration to write these pages. Also thanks to Tommi for constantly reminding me that I did have a job and that my whole blog was a farce. To Claudia too, who has done a decent job of keeping me afloat and motivated. These last few months have been a total nightmare at times and sent me lower than I've been before and writing this has been an escape I've been very appreciative of. 

It wasn't just a metaphorical pit of despair, I was actually trapped in a cave.

Cheerio Chaps!

Unemployment Fact that I Found Out Today: For some reason my professional being was the flavour of the month for December, having had 5 interview dates set and two job offers.

Running Status: Usain Bolt rang, he wants his electric pace back. I pretended it was a wrong number.

FIFA Status: Won the league with Liverpool! I think this might be my greatest achievement since I finished my masters. Realising this, however, makes me want to die.

Skyrim Status: I've started playing again. Yay elves! Hobbit fully got me back into it.

Final Fantasy Status: I'm so close to the end but Ruby Weapon keeps beating the shit out of me.

Blogdan Milosevic

Lol?

If my face was a hat I think that would make employers stand up and take notice.

Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. My life has taken a turn for the worse and this satirical response to the state of postgraduate employment will have to bear the brunt of an all-new low. Here, take a look at my bank balance.


That is right, I’m am royally undone. I cannot afford to exist and am looking at the possibilities of becoming a non-carbon based entity that doesn’t need food to survive. Why is this you may find yourself asking? Well.....it turns out that I don’t, quite marvellously, qualify for jobseekers allowance. That’s right, a man seeking a job actively, working under the designated 16 hour limit, is unable to get any money from the government. I used a great deal of colourful words to express my distaste at this fact.

Essentially having a partner disqualifies me from one end and having not earned any tax in 2009-2010 (When I was a student!) prevents access to the other. So, having been told I was waiting on an administrative process, and that I had a good deal of backlogged dole coming my way right before Christmas, I was shocked to learn that now, right before present buying time, I am in an unfathomably large amount of debt. Gulp.

Oh well! There are good things happening to me still. I had one interview last week for an internal role at Jorvik! Yay! I will find out about that next week. Equally as significant....I also have three external interviews next week! So, having not had an interview since the 5th November, I’ve accumulated 4 on my calender within 7 days. I don’t understand what I’ve done differently but I’m not complaining. They are all full-on smashing jobs too.

All that serious stuff about actually searching for a job and being in massive debt is great but you don’t care about that. This blog is looking at my dispairingly mundane life and the activities that keep my unemployment ass busy. So let’s see what is behind door number 2.....(it’s basically an old sheet, my budget difficulties have meant that I can no longer afford a door). I went home to old liverpudlinio. Which is Italian for Liverpool. Here i did lots of lovely things like see my nana and get taken out for meals by all and sundry. I also realised this fact. My travels to work at Jorvik cost me 12 smackarooneys a day. That is for a 20 minute journey. To get to my nanas house that is to Meols station (and takes an hour and a half) it cost me 3.20. How ridiculous is that? Bloody York with its bloody good train station and flipping East Coast services. Cost me an arm and a leg.

ALERT! I’ve become a very efficient jogger. I’ve suddenly burst through my record time doing a 5km (twice!) by around 30-40 seconds. Usain Bolt called, he wants his natural athleticism back. Struck by my sudden ability I have managed to walk slap-bang into a cold which means I can’t go running for a week or so. Superb. This means that all my hard work knocking valuable time of my 5km will have to start again. And my bout of illness has left me in envy of the dead.

Unemployment Factor That I Found Out Today: No matter how hard I search for a job, I don’t qualify for JSA and I basically have to ask my lovely girlfriend if she can buy her own Christmas presents this year. I’d still wrap them shit so it was like an authentic christmas so maybe it won’t be too much of a strain on our relationship.

Running status: read my alert dipstick.

FIFA Status: I have a significantly better budget as Liverpool manager than I do in real life.

Skyrim Final Fantasy 7 Status: I’ve beaten the shit out of ultima weapon and he exploded near Cosmo Canyon, giving me handy access to a really weird forest with frogs in it.

Jobzilla

'Chris!', my mind exclaims.

'what?', I reply.

'Chris!', it repeats.

 'I heard you the first time, what's up?' I respond, somewhat frustratingly.

'You should have a job by now.' It mocks.

'...'. 

Above is a representation of my life if it were a very boring and dialogue-heavy novel. Luckily it isn't, but it does demonstrate the state of play at the moment. I'm trucked. Motherducked. Out of luck.

It has, however, been a while since I last posted. Please don't mistake that for positive activity on the job front, its mostly because nothing has happened that I have been unable to creatively explode my unemployment in the format of a brief blog. A summise of the week in 7 words/phrases would go as follows..... confident > rejection > safety-net jobs> rejection > home > broke > teaching.... 

In more words....I've made many applications over the past month that have all had similar deadline dates - around about now. So I had been confident I would get something. One role I thought I would be interview-worthy for turned out to be a clear cut rejection and a back-up, poorly paid job (which would have gained me some experience) also turned out to be a rejection. Then I went home and played chess and saw some folk. And realised how desperately poor I am because JSA seem to have decided to be right nob shines about my dole. Then I decided I'd look into secondary school teaching. I won't elaborate on that because theres nothing to elaborate on to, its still all up in the mind. 

Me and dole-chum Paddy discussing our envy of the working world.

 After my initial success of the £7 night out I've followed it up with two £12 nights out. My desperate poverty will not stand between me and my desire to have some kind of night-life. If anybody wants to buy me a drink as a reward for putting the travails of my unemployment backside on the interweb then that is cool. 

My unemployment soundtrack, Will Smith's seminal album, 'Big Willie Style.'

Look at the extensive prose style I used!

There has been something I've meant to bring to you, my Schadenfreude friends (Had to google that to make sure I spelt it right, oh yeahh). A story from a while back that still has me irked. I, somewhat ambitiously, wrote BBC Radio 4 a letter informing of them of the exciting news that I was unemployed and available to take up work with them. Now I'm not an idiot, I didn't think I'd get a job, but I did figure it would be an alternative way to get in touch with potential employers and get some good advice. Here is the letter I put a lot of effort into and sent them.

My excitement turned sour.

Clearly, a valiant effort by a young dynamic medievalist seeking an entry into a life of broadcasting. This was the long-awaited reply. For those that can't read it it basically says F*** off. The worst part of it???? The worst part was that the CV I sent them they stapled to the reply and returned it to me! They couldn't even be arsed to just chuck it in the bin and pretend it was 'on record.' Their uppance will come, be assured.

Employment Fact That I Found Out Today: Most unemployed people have the small consolation that they can get up at like 11am and lie in. Not me, because my heavenly girlfriend demands that I be as sleepy as her so that I don't keep her awake the next evening. 

Skyrim Final Fantasy VII Status: Just tried to beat the underwater weapon. MASSIVELY FAILED. 

FIFA Status: I am top of the league on legendary as Liverpool! Get in. It is about time I had some luck in my life, I just wish it was in real life.

Running Status: I ran a hell of a lot and now Maizie (a kind of doggy aquaintence of mine) keeps sniffing my knee and she only sniffs us when we are poorly so I think something grim has happened to it.

Too long I roam in the night

What foul fate has betroden me, that betwixt education and employment I stand wearily and worn?

***BONUS POINTS*** for no real reason I've made two references to the music and lyrics of a famous musician. Guess who correctly and you are very clever.

Fact 1: Still no job. 
Fact 2: Not even close
Fact 3: Now I have an economic crisis looming
 

Was considering becoming an abbot till I saw what they'd done to Whitby Abbey, the shits. The dissolution ruined all my employment opportunities

I'm in a hairy predicament, having signed on but not getting any money yet. For some reason the clever dicks at jobseekers are demanding my last six payslips before they will pay up. Payslips I can only get in work which I'm going to be at for a week! So when my dole does come up I'm gonna get like 3 weeks worth. What will I do with 150 quid? I'll basically be a millionaire, give us a text if you fancy some kind of exquisite meal out. 

Bearing in mind my overdraft limit is minus 2000, it is scary how rapidly I'm approaching the minus balance millenium. Firmly in the 20th century that is for sure. I'm sorry if you don't get that. Went on a night out on Saturday night, scrimped and scraped and managed to go the whole night on.....£6.60!!! That includes any taxis, chips, entry fees etc. I'm really quite proud. Depressing though. 

Went to sign on last week think I accidentally skipped a massive queue of angry unemployed yobbo's. They didn't notice though. Shit one mind. The more I visit that fine institution the more I feel it would be an excellent location for lifesize Pacman. Or maybe Resident Evil. I haven't really had chance to mention it to anyone yet unfortunately.

Applied for a job on Friday. Really pleased....then realised that the consultant had denied me the chance to get to APPLICATION STAGE. In essence, I was too shit to even be considered giving the opportunity to write how I would like the job. Marvelous. How spendidly grim.

I've realised what needs to be done in order to get a job, perhaps somewhat controversially....we need a nice big crisis like at the BBC, but in my sectors. Don't get me wrong I don't want there to be lots of pedophiles discovered, but a nice employment cull in the heritage sector would do me just fine.

Much of the work I would traditionally find vacancies in has found an automated robotic system that does everything I can do better. Above is a picture of the new model. Quite frighteningly they've given it my face.

Unemployment Fact That I Found Out Today: Job Applications aren't like RPG's - you don't get EXP points for training up.

FIFA Status: Mind numbingly repetitive. The small consolation is that they've finally made Raheem Sterling good. Doesn't get me a job however.

Skyrim Final Fantasy VII Status: I'm but moments away from getting a GOLD chocobo! Oh yeah. Then I will brag about my acquisition of Knights of the Round on application forms.

Running Status: I've become quite adept at this, running up that hill.

Job-seeking missiles

Captain's Log. Day 51. Still unemployed. Want to die. 

Things are going pretty grimly now guys. Having had an interview for University of Sheffield (Customer Services Team Leader) I thought things looked like they'd be on the employment up......I got it so wrong. I've been plunged into a state of sadist depression where instead of filling my time with productivity I'm finding ways to kill digital people, like games on the internet that you are a global disease, or simply jumping off high cliffs on Skyrim.

There are 4 key reasons why I don't think I got the job. You might enjoy my misery so I'll list them for you....

1.) I showed up at reception in trainers before I changed into my posh shoes.
2.) I could have sworn it said on the email that her name was Louise Kenny and so I asked at reception for...Louise Kenny. Turns out her name was Lynn. Oh.
3.) I totally fluffed up a question regarding managing an event. Instead of using a perfectly good answer (that I came up with about 5 minutes after the interview, perhaps a little too late), I went down the line of an obscure one at an old job, then totally overplayed it and became trapped in some kind of quasi-lie/truth scenario.
4.) This is the best one.
4a.) I'm really ashamed of this one
4b). When she asked at the end, do you have any questions at the end, I should have said 'Yes, a couple. Firstly, what are the opportunities for promotion etc? Secondly, would you break down the day to day routine of the role please? Lastly, can I inquire as to what you consider the most rewarding parts of the job?
4c). I actually said.... 'No, erm not really, no. Well I have one. On the job specification it doesn't mention anything about how much holiday the role is entitled to, can I ask you about that?' [In my head i didn't wait for a response, I just thought 'CHRIS YOU MOTHERTRUCKING FLIPPING IDIOT WHAT THE FLIP. GO HOME NOW YOU DICK']

Needless to say, I didn't get the job. Looked mint and all, well gutted. 

Exciting though, I had a second interview later that week.....for jobseekers allowance. That is right, as a seeker of a job I am entitled to my money, so I'm taking it dammit. I had to scrub all night to get the job centre plus smell out of my hair though.

Otherwise....no one likes my CV. I took a look at it and have posted a picture of it below and I think I realise why. 

[its actually my melted mars bar, but if you look closely it has the same amount of experience as is presented on my CV]

What else is going on with my life.......well.... thanks for asking. A few things of noteworthy attention. The most productive thing was to give a paper on my dissertation at a postgraduate conference at the University of Huddersfield. That was pretty cool. I didn't even shit it up or anything, I did it proper. 

Seeing as it has been forever since my last blog you'd think I have lots and lots of useful employment facts, but I don't. Its all a con this blog, designed to entertain you by promoting my miserable unemployed (on the dole) existence as some kind of plaything for the rich and privileged. 

having overdosed on pills in a bid to rid myself of this miserable existence, my girlfriend carried me to a nice beach and took a photo of my incapacitated self

Oh well, back to the job applications....

Unemployment Fact I Found Out Today: If you send a job application in on a Saturday you get an 'out of office' response. I somehow feel that automatically means that they won't read it properly.

Running Status: Did my leg in. Leg got sore. Still running a bit.

FIFA Status: Did really well then suddenly did really shit and had to start again. Fecking Liverpool.

Skyrim Final Fantasy VII Status: Aeris is still alive, but Sephiroth is gonna slash that hoe up good in a bit.
 I wish my planet was in crisis as I would definitely go and save the world like Cloud. Just need some Black Materia (For the three people that both read this and have played FF7, I am so cool).

mamblog number 5

Good evening everyone. It has once again been a while since I wrote my blog, but oh well, get over it. Right what has been happening with my unemployed life. First of all I HAVE DUMPED SKYRIM for Final Fantasy 7. thats right. Circa 1997. Levelling up like a motherbitch around junon because I can. Sephiroth is a total shit head.

Anyway, thats taken up a lot of time. Gonna put it on my CV, level 25 Cloud. But I have done other things. The most actually productive of these being getting a mother flipping interview! Plus it was from what I like to call a panic application - the deadline was Sunday, I applied Sunday. Working under pressure makes me a more appealing candidate obvs. No more info I'm afraid but I will keep you all posted......

I'm writing this in the jorvik staffroom.By rights and by being a legitimate mamber of said staffroom that makes this blog obselete, but only if you think about it really hard. I'm also getting a lot of stick for the irony of writing an unemployment blog whilst being employed to the tune of ten hours a week. ITS TEN HOURS A WEEK! Also I get paid my train fare and that is virtually it. It isn't making me rich if that is what you are worried about. so....feck off. 

I've got some rejection emails too, boy have I got a few. its so flowery and lovely when they say all their apologies etc. but basically what they are saying is.... 1.)we dont want you working for us and 2.) we aren't going to tell you why. It makes me feel sad and unloved, but its ok because i can lie to myself and pretend that those jobs werent the ones I really wanted, but back up jobs. sob sob sob sob sob sob sob..

Having wiped the tears off my keyboard, I can now resume my blog. off on a night out tonight. If i was going to be a xenophobe then I would tell you my outfit as a mexican typifies my situation. I'm not a xenophobe though so you can deduce what you like from that. An irational proporation of my fellow night-outers are going as zombies, which, as a man very afraid of 28 days later, is not good. shitting a mother trucking brick.well not really. 

You may observe there are no pictures this time round. That is ok though because its the high standard of prose that draws everyone in. So back off. Anyway its fairly short because louise is on my back because she wants to use the computer. fair play, its probably for a more productive use than this.

Unemployment fact I found out today: Lies not only make baby jesus cry, but also potential employers

FIFA Status: I've become absolutely terrible at it all of a sudden.

Skyrim Status: I've started playing final fantasy so its gone stagnant! I was pretty good though, I had started slaying the shit out of vampires

Running Status: I got really fast but then I realised I only got fast because i was eating so much chocolate that it gave me ludicrous energy levels.

PESSIMISM

Finally I have returned to writing, I hear you cry. You're crying about something anyway. 

Since my last post I have got a job. lol jk im just as tragically stuck in a rut as I was a week ago! Since then though, many many things have happened. been to the pub four times and won a pub quiz. could make a living off the pub quiz if i traveled about. I've applied for one whole job in the void of blog posts, and that was this afternoon. Gunna be a grant officer man! Though I applied for it twice because I decided to ring to get my foot in the door and my phoney excuse of my employment not being in chronological order turned out to be an actual issue so they suggested I redo it. Now I look like a right nob, unable to understand that January 2008 comes before December 2009. Dang.

One things changed though, now my inbox has become flooded with rejection emails. Mint. 'We regret to inform you that we are not going to be taking your application any further'. Translation.....'It just so happened that we couldn't be arsed to read your application.'. hot damnnnnn. The train people said no, which is a shame because I really like trains. Ive said this before and ill say it again, its one of my two favourite modes of transport, love trains.

One other alteration is my acquisition of an appalling haircut. Not in a punk way just in a look a bit like joffrey out of game of thrones way. plus i shaved on the same day so i look like a little baby child.

Some prize nobhead at Jorvik has set my blog as their homepage......and made it look like I've done it, making me look fully arrogant. OK let's confirm I did not do this. And in the words of taken I will hunt them I will find them and I will kill them. A true blotch on my character. Set the Wii up today in the front room so now when i'm unemployed and doing nothing, everyone can see me playing invisible golf or baseball. Maybe even just dance 2. i wish i could have a man in front of me in a club scenario who told me what dance moves to do and gave me points for getting it right, then id feel a lot more comfortable in willow. 

On the ming-ometer, I've hit the red zone, leaving my jogging stuff on the line to dry. Not to dry because its clean, but to dry because its sweaty and smells too much to go in the house (slash, claudia says it smells too much).bleurgh. Considering adding the Nobel peace prize to my CV on account that I am an EU citizen. Felt good being rewarded for stopping the post-war tensions between France and Germany.

Sat in my own filth at home, I've compiled a list of things that people are supposed to ring me back on but won't. Everyday I look at the list and get a little angry....
1.)BBC Radio 4 (in the most ambitious speculative attempt yet, I sent radio 4 a letter telling them that, yes, indeed, I am available for employment).
2.) Orange (because it turns out that when they sent me the Galaxy S3 the other week they weren't meant to and they've started charging me shitloads for the contract)
3.) Doncaster Library (because I want to work at the local history department dammit!)
4.) all the six million jobs ive applied for

look how much happier everyone else is, they don't understand what its like to have the postgraduate unemployment blues.

I think it is time to go. My original optimism has faded into the dull circle of unemployment. A bitter shadow of myself I must depart, to play on Skyrim or FIFA, I haven't decided yet. You must know however, that these games give me no pleasure, all I want is that one true job. I think I'm gonna try and get Lazio to win serie a. without miroslav klose.

Unemployment fact I found out today: I shouldn't have registered with the University of Hull job vacancy service, they won't leave me alone and told me to apply for a bloody sailing internship.

Running status: Speedy Gonzalez would be jealous

Skyrim Status: Haven't got a job on there either.

FIFA Status: Beginning the trauma that is career mode on legendary.