Too long I roam in the night

What foul fate has betroden me, that betwixt education and employment I stand wearily and worn?

***BONUS POINTS*** for no real reason I've made two references to the music and lyrics of a famous musician. Guess who correctly and you are very clever.

Fact 1: Still no job. 
Fact 2: Not even close
Fact 3: Now I have an economic crisis looming
 

Was considering becoming an abbot till I saw what they'd done to Whitby Abbey, the shits. The dissolution ruined all my employment opportunities

I'm in a hairy predicament, having signed on but not getting any money yet. For some reason the clever dicks at jobseekers are demanding my last six payslips before they will pay up. Payslips I can only get in work which I'm going to be at for a week! So when my dole does come up I'm gonna get like 3 weeks worth. What will I do with 150 quid? I'll basically be a millionaire, give us a text if you fancy some kind of exquisite meal out. 

Bearing in mind my overdraft limit is minus 2000, it is scary how rapidly I'm approaching the minus balance millenium. Firmly in the 20th century that is for sure. I'm sorry if you don't get that. Went on a night out on Saturday night, scrimped and scraped and managed to go the whole night on.....£6.60!!! That includes any taxis, chips, entry fees etc. I'm really quite proud. Depressing though. 

Went to sign on last week think I accidentally skipped a massive queue of angry unemployed yobbo's. They didn't notice though. Shit one mind. The more I visit that fine institution the more I feel it would be an excellent location for lifesize Pacman. Or maybe Resident Evil. I haven't really had chance to mention it to anyone yet unfortunately.

Applied for a job on Friday. Really pleased....then realised that the consultant had denied me the chance to get to APPLICATION STAGE. In essence, I was too shit to even be considered giving the opportunity to write how I would like the job. Marvelous. How spendidly grim.

I've realised what needs to be done in order to get a job, perhaps somewhat controversially....we need a nice big crisis like at the BBC, but in my sectors. Don't get me wrong I don't want there to be lots of pedophiles discovered, but a nice employment cull in the heritage sector would do me just fine.

Much of the work I would traditionally find vacancies in has found an automated robotic system that does everything I can do better. Above is a picture of the new model. Quite frighteningly they've given it my face.

Unemployment Fact That I Found Out Today: Job Applications aren't like RPG's - you don't get EXP points for training up.

FIFA Status: Mind numbingly repetitive. The small consolation is that they've finally made Raheem Sterling good. Doesn't get me a job however.

Skyrim Final Fantasy VII Status: I'm but moments away from getting a GOLD chocobo! Oh yeah. Then I will brag about my acquisition of Knights of the Round on application forms.

Running Status: I've become quite adept at this, running up that hill.

Job-seeking missiles

Captain's Log. Day 51. Still unemployed. Want to die. 

Things are going pretty grimly now guys. Having had an interview for University of Sheffield (Customer Services Team Leader) I thought things looked like they'd be on the employment up......I got it so wrong. I've been plunged into a state of sadist depression where instead of filling my time with productivity I'm finding ways to kill digital people, like games on the internet that you are a global disease, or simply jumping off high cliffs on Skyrim.

There are 4 key reasons why I don't think I got the job. You might enjoy my misery so I'll list them for you....

1.) I showed up at reception in trainers before I changed into my posh shoes.
2.) I could have sworn it said on the email that her name was Louise Kenny and so I asked at reception for...Louise Kenny. Turns out her name was Lynn. Oh.
3.) I totally fluffed up a question regarding managing an event. Instead of using a perfectly good answer (that I came up with about 5 minutes after the interview, perhaps a little too late), I went down the line of an obscure one at an old job, then totally overplayed it and became trapped in some kind of quasi-lie/truth scenario.
4.) This is the best one.
4a.) I'm really ashamed of this one
4b). When she asked at the end, do you have any questions at the end, I should have said 'Yes, a couple. Firstly, what are the opportunities for promotion etc? Secondly, would you break down the day to day routine of the role please? Lastly, can I inquire as to what you consider the most rewarding parts of the job?
4c). I actually said.... 'No, erm not really, no. Well I have one. On the job specification it doesn't mention anything about how much holiday the role is entitled to, can I ask you about that?' [In my head i didn't wait for a response, I just thought 'CHRIS YOU MOTHERTRUCKING FLIPPING IDIOT WHAT THE FLIP. GO HOME NOW YOU DICK']

Needless to say, I didn't get the job. Looked mint and all, well gutted. 

Exciting though, I had a second interview later that week.....for jobseekers allowance. That is right, as a seeker of a job I am entitled to my money, so I'm taking it dammit. I had to scrub all night to get the job centre plus smell out of my hair though.

Otherwise....no one likes my CV. I took a look at it and have posted a picture of it below and I think I realise why. 

[its actually my melted mars bar, but if you look closely it has the same amount of experience as is presented on my CV]

What else is going on with my life.......well.... thanks for asking. A few things of noteworthy attention. The most productive thing was to give a paper on my dissertation at a postgraduate conference at the University of Huddersfield. That was pretty cool. I didn't even shit it up or anything, I did it proper. 

Seeing as it has been forever since my last blog you'd think I have lots and lots of useful employment facts, but I don't. Its all a con this blog, designed to entertain you by promoting my miserable unemployed (on the dole) existence as some kind of plaything for the rich and privileged. 

having overdosed on pills in a bid to rid myself of this miserable existence, my girlfriend carried me to a nice beach and took a photo of my incapacitated self

Oh well, back to the job applications....

Unemployment Fact I Found Out Today: If you send a job application in on a Saturday you get an 'out of office' response. I somehow feel that automatically means that they won't read it properly.

Running Status: Did my leg in. Leg got sore. Still running a bit.

FIFA Status: Did really well then suddenly did really shit and had to start again. Fecking Liverpool.

Skyrim Final Fantasy VII Status: Aeris is still alive, but Sephiroth is gonna slash that hoe up good in a bit.
 I wish my planet was in crisis as I would definitely go and save the world like Cloud. Just need some Black Materia (For the three people that both read this and have played FF7, I am so cool).